#do you know this year has been the worst of my life.

[rootspiral]

Agatha All Along deep dive: episode 6 part 1

(Wandavision entries: [1][2][3])

(AAA entries: ep1 [1][2][3][4] ep2 [1][2][3][4] ep3 [1][2][3] ep4 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][+1] ep5 [1][2][3][4][5] ep6 [1])

ooh the "magick" mitzvah? I've been puzzling about the connection between william and billy, that's an interesting detail. I'll elaborate in a minute

I've seen a lot of irony about joe locke clearly not being 13 here, but the thing is, sometimes boys do suddenly hit puberty and have an insane growth spurt! and then you get the hilarious visuals of some guy sitting in a tiny desk in a classroom full of children.

my point being, they should have had joe dancing with a bunch of actual 13 year olds, it would have been so fucking funny

I love mama and papa kaplan, and it really gets to me that they lost their boy and don't even know it. I was worried about billy's episode because I thought it would be just a bunch of marvel tie-ins with no heart. glad to report I was wrong

lilia who hates witch stereotypes performing those very stereotypes in order to not fucking starve

william's reflection is billy reversed

lilia foresees william's death and billy's takeover, and she is SO sorry for him. patti as usual conveys so much, you can tell her heart is breaking but she's being kind and lying in order to not scare this poor kid. and this is exactly why being a Seer has always been a burden to lilia, how do you form any relationships, how do you love someone when you've already seen the day you're going to lose them?

“The Tower Reversed.” disaster, destruction, sudden upheaval. but reversed, it means miraculous transformation.

and there is something about lilia choosing this moment as the most representative for billy, a moment that symbolize both billy and william. this is future!lilia embracing her own strength and reclaiming the coven and the community she denied herself her whole life. and not only she includes billy in it, but also william as a fundamental part of billy, a kid that she protected and cherished despite meeting him only briefly.

not only lilia goes above and beyond for william, hiding the truth from him, inviting him to enjoy the party she knows will be his last. she hides the sigil on him so she can protect billy too, because she knows that another little boy is about to wake up in a strange reality and be so lost. she tells william he's a good egg, but she is the goodest egg.

I love the little choices here. wanda's voice on the radio, pretending she's in an idyllic sitcom marriage. and a real life marriage where wanda's 1950s tropes are reversed, rebecca is the one who drives and grabs her husband's hand to reassure him.

another great detail: the dissolving Hex reflected in the car window.

the parallels are taking my breath away. two moms, agatha and rebecca, fiercely loving and protective. both would blame themselves for their sons dying.

but sometimes, boys die. and to quote jac shaeffer, that is tragedy enough to fill the universe.

you can hear william's heart slow down and stop. then, when billy takes over, it starts beating like crazy.

and here's alice, who's also never met william (or billy) before, but she will unquestionably do her utmost to help.

I miss you so much, alice

he's so scared. the way he shakes his head and doesn't know where to look.

imagine being born yesterday, and suddenly you are in a different body and your head is cracked and you're surrounded by strangers. and your brother is nowhere.

that is the worst omelet I've ever seen in my life by the way

(also I know billy is used to instant growth, but imagine switching from child to teenager just like that, it's like going through puberty in two seconds. kafkaesque nightmare fuel)

and it's just so realistic and so moving that the kaplans are presenting a united front even though they are crumbling underneath. and they won't say any of it out loud because they are good fucking parents and it's their job to protect and worry without their kid ever feeling guilty about it. (billy does end up reading their minds because they're not equipped to parent a superhero yet. not that they wouldn't RAISE TO THE FUCKING CHALLENGE. I love you rebecca and jeff kaplan)

william liked classic movies, board games and magic tricks. there were budding hints at a goth vibe too, with dario argento quotes and creepy victorian posters. it doesn't seem at all incompatible with the person billy will eventually grow up to be, I know he had to settle into william's life, but he didn't revolutionize any of it, he kind of followed in william tracks. I think that yes, william died just as wanda dissolved the hex and it was a wrong place and wrong time kind of situation, but he also had to be a compatible donor - as similar as billy as possible, I don't know if genetically or soul-wise or what. they even look a bit similar, same ears, same nose, same eyes, same chin, same triangular face.

these guys really like doing mirror shots, don't they

by the way I will keep calling him Boyf because it's so damn funny, but I do know his name is eddie and I'm really really happy for the representation. there won't be any particularly deep meta about these two because gay boys are so, so far from my realm of interest or expertise, I'm sorry if you were looking forward to it. if you want to add context or ideas about them please do!

another possibility is that billy's soul, while not having any of wiliam's memories, was still shaped and conditioned by his dna and brain chemistry and past experiences, so in a sense william is still in there. you put software in a different hardware, it's gonna affect its performance.

I'll say this about boyf, he's very sweet. billy gives him this crazy story and he doesn't flinch, he just tries to understand and be supportive.

*cough cough* nerd

but look, he's pulling a detective agnes! he really is an agatha mini me.

ah yes, the future coven looking after billy even before meeting him. lilia giving him the sigil, alice being first responder on the site of the accident, jen saving his dating life by teaching him good skincare (he's a teenager! he's got pimples!)

you guys, I hope you don't mind me dedicating some time to billy alone, but I do like this episode a lot.

and tomorrow: it's the return of butch agatha!

[bandsofmarv]

Better than him

JJ Maybank has always been in love with you, but you chose Rafe Cameron—the worst decision, in his eyes. He always watched from the sidelines that was until he reached his breaking point.

Warnings- not really any jealousy.

The night air was thick with humidity as you walked down the beach, your arms wrapped tightly around yourself. The argument with Rafe still echoed in your ears—his harsh words, the way he’d grabbed your arm before letting you go with a warning.

You spotted JJ sitting on the lifeguard tower, a beer in hand. He looked up as you approached, his expression shifting from surprise to concern the moment he saw your face.

“What the hell happened?” he asked, jumping down to meet you.

“Nothing,” you muttered, brushing past him.

“Don’t give me that,” JJ said, stepping in front of you. “You’re shaking. Did he—did Rafe do something?”

You hesitated, your silence answering for you. JJ’s jaw tightened, his hands balling into fists.

“I can’t keep watching this,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “I can’t keep watching him hurt you.”

You sat on the sand, staring out at the dark waves. JJ paced in front of you, his usual carefree demeanor replaced by raw frustration.

“You don’t have to stay with him, you know,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “You don’t owe him anything.”

“It’s not that simple,” you said quietly.

“Yes, it is!” JJ snapped, then immediately softened his tone. “Sorry. I just… I don’t get it. Why him? Why not—”

“Why not you?” you finished for him, looking up at him.

JJ froze, his blue eyes locking with yours. He swallowed hard, then dropped to his knees in front of you.

“Yes,” he said, his voice breaking. “Why not me? I’d never hurt you. I’d never make you feel small or scared. I’d—I’d love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

Tears filled your eyes, and you shook your head. “It’s not that simple, JJ. Rafe… he’s different when it’s just us. He can be good—”

“Good doesn’t leave bruises,” JJ interrupted, his voice sharp. “Good doesn’t make you cry, doesn’t make you feel like this.”

You looked away, the truth of his words cutting deep.

“I know you think you love him,” JJ said, his tone softer now. “But love shouldn’t hurt like this. And I can’t—” He broke off, his voice trembling. “I can’t stand by and watch him destroy you. Please, just… leave him. Be with me. Let me show you what it’s supposed to feel like.”

JJ reached for your hand, his touch gentle.

“I’d do anything for you,” he said. “You know that, right?”

You nodded, tears spilling over. “I know.”

“Then trust me,” he whispered. “Trust that I can be better for you. That I’ll never let anyone hurt you again.”

Your heart ached at the sincerity in his voice, the way his eyes begged you to believe him. You wanted to. God, you wanted to. But leaving Rafe felt impossible—like trying to escape a storm that followed you everywhere.

“I don’t know how,” you admitted, your voice barely audible.

JJ cupped your face, his thumbs brushing away your tears. “You don’t have to know. Just take my hand, and we’ll figure it out together.”

For a moment, you let yourself imagine it—a life with JJ, free from Rafe’s shadow. It felt like breathing for the first time in years.

“I have to go,” you said, pulling away from JJ.

“No,” he said, standing as you did. “Don’t go back to him. Please.”

“I don’t have a choice,” you said, your voice trembling.

“You always have a choice,” JJ said, desperation lacing his words. “Choose me. Please, just once… choose me.”

You hesitated, your heart caught between the life you knew and the life you wanted.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, turning away.

JJ watched you go, his heart breaking as the waves swallowed the sound of your footsteps.

———————————————————————

Later that night

You sat in Rafe’s car, his hand gripping your thigh as he drove. His apologies came in waves—sweet words meant to soothe the wounds he’d inflicted.

But all you could think about was JJ—the way he’d looked at you, like you were worth saving and for the first time, you wondered if he might be right.

[anamericangirl]

“The Bible does not outwardly condemn abortion itself, which is significant considering how common place the practice would have been at the time. Abortion is not explicitly forbidden in the Bible, nor by Jesus Christ, therefore most protestants were never against abortion.”

The Bible doesn’t outwardly condemn a lot of things that we know to be wrong. Like the Bible doesn’t outwardly condemn shooting a two year old in the head or drowning children in a bathtub but because I know children are people and that murder is condemned by God, I know that shooting a two year old and drowning kids in a bathtub is condemned by God.

God says murder is wrong. Period. If you are the kind of person that needs God to explicitly say that each and every form of murder is wrong then that doesn’t mean it’s not condemned in the Bible, that means you’re trying to find a loophole.

“God says murder is wrong but since he didn’t explicitly say this form of murder is wrong that must mean it’s ok!” Is one of the worst logical fallacies I have ever come across.

And also, the absence of a no is not a yes. Even if we don’t have an explicit “abortion is wrong” sentence in the Bible, as you read it, it is clear from contextual clues that God absolutely condemns the idea of abortion in the Bible.

And I don’t really care which religious group opposed abortion first. That’s irrelevant to whether or not abortion is condemned in the Bible. Any religious group or person who says abortion is not condemned in the Bible is incorrect.

“The bible has specific laws about the act of murder and is very clear that murder applies to fully individual human beings. It at no point ever refers to an unborn fetus as a person or says that a woman will be punished for terminating a pregnancy.”

I’m going to assume you haven’t read the whole Bible yet or that you’ve missed a lot in your readings. You say the Bible at no point ever refers to an unborn fetus as a person or says that a woman will be punished for terminating a pregnancy. Ok. So since you are implying that the words must be explicitly present for you to understand what God is saying in the Bible, please share where you saw it explicitly state that an unborn fetus is not a person. You are assuming they are not considered people in the Bible unless otherwise stated but where’s your evidence for that foundation? It’s just as easy for someone to claim that they are considered people in the Bible because it doesn’t explicitly state they are not? Do you see why that logic doesn’t work?

Besides that, however, I think the Bible makes it very clear that the unborn are people and that God values them as such.

Here are some verses that go directly against your claim that Bible doesn’t refer to a fetus as a person.

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born, I sanctified you; and I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” - Jeremiah 1:5.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” - Psalm 139:13

The Bible clearly considers the time in the womb as a precious, important time of a person’s life. It considers the beginning of a person’s life to be when they were formed in the womb. And you kind of failed at explaining how they don’t. This isn’t the Bible referring to them as seeds of something bigger, this is the Bible personifying them and speaking of them as that entire person that came into existence in the womb.

But wait there’s more!

“When Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb.” - Luke 39:41

These verses clearly personify babies in the womb and for you to read these verses and go well I don’t see it state the a fetus is a person would be intentionally dishonest and would look like you’re not trying to find out what the Bible really says, you’re just trying to twist scripture to make it sound like it backs you up when it doesn’t.

Exodus 21 gives the same penalty for killing or harming an unborn child as it does for someone who commits murder. It says if the woman gives birth prematurely but there is no harm then a fine must be paid. But right after that it says if there is harm then a life for a life. to say the Bible doesn’t consider the fetus as a person and that murder doesn’t apply to children in the womb is objectively incorrect.

Giving birth prematurely doesn’t mean the woman miscarried. And I’m not sure how you missed the very next sentence because that one kind of debunks your entire theory.

By the way, the Bible never refers to a one year old as a person so I’m assuming you think the Bible doesn’t condemn murdering them, either? Does the Bible have to explicitly tell you who is a person and who is not for you to understand who people are when the Bible talks about how people should and shouldn’t be treated? Or you just needing that information specifically for abortion for some reason?

“Numbers 5 reflects a situation in which, if a woman was pregnant, and her husband suspected that she'd been unfaithful to him, and that the seed growing within her womb wasn't of his 'planting', she could be required to be taken before the elders for intensive questioning….”

I’m familiar with Numbers 5 because one, I’ve read the entire Bible cover to cover and pro-aborts try to use the verse a lot to claim it is God describing when and how to perform an abortion. But they are wrong about Numbers 5 and so are you. It is not describing a method designed to make a woman miscarry. In fact, the NIV is pretty much the only translation that uses the word “miscarry” in this passage. Most others use the verbiage that it would make her “womb swell and her thigh fall away” which means it would make her barren and unable to have children, not kill a child she was currently carrying. Which actually makes much more sense in context.

Also, even if you were right and this was describing a procedure that would make the woman miscarry that would not mean abortion would then be permitted in any situation at any time and for any reason. If that was an abortion procedure, you would still need to explain how that be a case of the Bible condoning abortion.

But it does explicitly establish that intentional miscarriages should and will happen if a woman is unfaithful. God is very okay with pregnancy termination in this context. This is further expanded on in the Talmud which states that if a fetus poses a threat to the mother, it's to be ripped out of her.

It doesn’t explicitly establish that because the procedure wasn’t describing a miscarriage. When the NIV is the only translation that uses that term it can be assumed it’s probably the least correct word.

Again, even if you were correct about what the passage says it would be a stretch to infer that means God’s just across the board ok with abortion in cases of infidelity. Those instructions were given at that specific time to those specific people. They were not intended to be used by all people forever. The happenings in the New Testament make those practices no longer necessary.

But again, this was a process that would make a woman barren, not miscarry.

And I don’t care what the Talmud says. This discussion is about what the Bible says.

There is absolutely biblical basis for being anti-abortion. You are objectively incorrect about numbers 5 and you are objectively incorrect about the ways the Bible refers to babies in the womb. It definitely personifies them and it condemns murder. All forms of murder. Abortion kills a living, growing human being and if you need the Bible to specifically tell you “abortion is wrong” that’s not a case of the Bible not condemning it, that’s a case of you ignoring what is clearly implied by what it does say to push a completely false narrative.

most frustrating thing I’ve learned recently as i continue to read the bible

yeah so the bible literally never, at any point condemns abortion. Jesus never condemned abortion. In fact :) the bible actually provides instructions on how to properly have one. seriously. Look into it. Christianity takes its ethical base from Judaism, and Judaism says that you're not a person with a soul until you draw your first breath.

so :)

hahaha :) there’s literally no reason :) why Christians want to deny women and afab people healthcare :) besides the obvious, to control our bodies.

like :) there’s literally no reason :))

guys 🙏 absolutely NO scripture. :) condemning abortion even once. :)))))))

i’m about to lose my fucking MIND.

[ir-abelas-vhenan]

Daily Dose of Solas-Posting Time/just a love of what love can achieve I guess?

I think a lot of people in this fan space struggle to distinguish the apparently very blurred line between "oh look, this poster likes Solas and must therefore condone murder to achieve one's goals", and "rad, she understands that this is a game in which characters do things she would never approve of in real life but given the fact that these are all tiny people on a screen she enjoys extrapolating larger themes"

And for those of you in that second camp how freaking beautiful is it that we get to see one of the oldest saddest elves go on an absolute bender and still get the chance to make things right because he has a friend/lover who knows his heart and refuses to let him hide from it any longer.

Varric disapproves of trying to save him at the end of Trespasser and clearly at some point within the next eight years goes "you know what? This sassy nerdy passionate guy was my friend once and I believe in what he could be if he gives up on the self-destructive path he's chosen"

Harding struggles to fathom what the Inquisitor sees in a disingenuous clefted egg but knows that if nothing else she trusts her friends and for all my critiques of Veilguard I do think Bellara gets a baller of a line with the "trust your heart, it is a good one" banger. Harding may not know exactly how she feels about Solas (and yeah that is so fair) but she knows the Inquisitor's heart is a good one, and if they're trying to save him, she trusts it. She chooses to believe that in an ever-darkening world there is power in restoring a little bit of light.

Your Inquisitor has the option to be like "wow this guy was my friend, occasional confidante (and potentially the most brutal love of my life), fought alongside me and guarded my life as I guarded his, and spoke so wistfully of things I did not understand at the time but now realize came from a place of deep grief. The way he's acting now stems from hurt and trauma and I know it'd be easier to just stab him with his own dagger but what if what if what if..."

And if you're able to look at his story at its simplest (if you're able to see past the broken man and into the spirit of wisdom he once was, if you will) it's really just the grandest version of pre-EA Bioware's bread and butter theme for at least a few companions per game: even the most broken people are capable of changing themselves and ultimately the world for the better if those who can reach out a hand do. And the Inquisitor only has the one hand to reach out, in fact they only have that one hand because of the very man they're hunting down, but if they can find it in themselves to extend it, damn. It brings a broken man back to his feet after an absolutely brutal confrontation of his past and helps him stand tall and face what's coming next in a way he wouldn't have been capable of otherwise. It lets Solas, who is at his absolute lowest, know that someone he strongly admires, who can relate to the challenges he once faced as the young leader of a massive movement, sees the parts of him that just want to do what's right but can't quite remember how anymore.

And to someone who hasn't fought in a war or forged the tools that wrecked entire civilizations, sure maybe that wouldn't hit as hard. But who amongst us hasn't betrayed the core of who we are to make others happy and regretted it? Who hasn't charged down a path that sent thorns digging into their skin with every step because to stop and turn back means facing everything they've done to get there? Means admitting they were wrong? Who hasn't hit a low and crawled their way back to themselves again because that hand came down and refused to let go?

To someone like that, like me, it can make all the difference in the world to see it go down on that tiny little screen.

Mmmmm there's just so much power in having even one person who sees you self-destructing at your worst and goes "not on my watch" and I love that most of these games have brought us such beautifully simple yet meaningful ideas in so many different ways.

[ghostly-kal]

Something something the hands that cradled you something something (im going insane over my dnd campaign help, the Dm is scaring me)

[solarhysm]

DUST OF US #DRABBLE - JUNGKOOK THINKS YOU HATE HIM

> synopsis: 7 years ago Y/N broke Jungkook’s heart when she decided to end their relationship without an explanation. When they meet again at a friend's wedding, after almost a decade, Jungkook needs answers to move on.

> pairing: Jungkook x reader

> genre: romance, ex to lovers au

> warnings: explicit languages, violence, smut, cheating, nsfw, angst, +18 minors dni !!

> word count: 1.3k

MAIN STORY HERE.

*french writer, i apologize in advance for my awful english!

AGE: 17 years old.

You have become distant over the last few weeks. Jungkook has grown accustomed to having you around constantly: at lunchtime, in class, and even walking home together. But it’s been two or three weeks since you’ve started avoiding him, finding excuses.

At first, he didn’t say much—maybe you were really busy. But then he caught you with other friends. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t hurt. Over the past year, everything in his life had improved with you in it. But now, he feels like he’s bothering you every time he tries to talk. The worst part is that you keep talking to Jimin, even having lunch with him—but not Jungkook.

“I don’t understand…” Jungkook mumbles, stabbing his bowl of rice with his chopsticks as he gazes at you from afar, sitting with your friend Hyesun. You seem so happy, laughing at something she said, oblivious to his gaze when you could usually spot him anywhere. “Did I say something wrong?” he asks Jimin, who tilts his head to look at you too, sighing.

“We never know what that girl has in her mind,” Jimin says, chewing his food. “It’s not you, Kookie. You’re the kindest guy I know.”

“Then why is she avoiding me?” Jungkook frowns, making Jimin sigh and taking a sip of his water.

“Maybe she figured out that you’re madly in love with her and doesn’t feel the same?” Jimin suggests. Jungkook freezes at the words, feeling his cheeks burn.

“I’m not— I don’t have feelings for her…” He mumbles, his gaze dropping to his tray.

“Oh please”, Jimin rolls his eyes, putting down his chopsticks. “You’re a sap for her. You buy her favorite snacks, wait for her after class even when yours ended two hours earlier, and you even go to the library with her. You never stepped foot in that place before meeting her.”

“I’m just a good friend.” Jungkook frowns, trying to deny Jimin’s words.

“You turned down every girl who hit on you this year, Kookie.” Jimin arches a brow as Jungkook whines, throwing his head back, before hiding his face in his hands. He knows that Jimin is right. He hates that Jimin can read him like an open book.

“Do you really think… She’s avoiding me because of that?” Jungkook asks quietly, his face still buried in his hands. Jimin sighs, staring at his friend.

He’s been following the development of your friendship since the start. Gently, Jimin wraps his fingers around Jungkook’s wrist and pulls his hands down.

“Hey,” Jimin says softly, “She’d be stupid to avoid you just for that. You’re a great guy, Kookie. A little slow and dumb, but not in a bad way.” He teases with a smirk, making Jungkook smile slightly.

“I don’t want to lose her. If she doesn’t feel the same way, it’s okay. I can deal with a little heartbreak. But not… not having her in my life.” Jungkook admits, and Jimin’s lips curve in a soft smile. “I’ll talk to her.”

Taking a deep breath, Jungkook wipes his hands on his pants. He’s been standing outside your door for fifteen minutes. He was full of courage on the way to your building, but now it's slowly crumbling. What’s he supposed to say? Are you avoiding me because I’m in love with you? He cringes at the thought. No, he can’t say that. Exhaling softly, he knocks at your door before he could chicken out.

Your father opens the door, his slight frown shifting into a smile. He knows Jungkook. He actually loves Jungkook; he is a respectful and well-mannered.

“What’s up, son?” Your father grins as Jungkook swallows hardly, his hands sweaty. He discreetly wipes them again.

“Hello sir. Is… Y/N here?” He asks with a small voice.

“Come in, she’s in her room.” His father nods, stepping aside as Jungkook bows politely before entering. Once his shoes are off, he heads to your room. Your door is open, you’re lying on the floor, humming a song and drawing in your notebook.

You sit up and frown when you see Jungkook standing in your doorframe, still outside the room, because he didn’t have time to knock. You always seem to sense his presence whenever he's near. He called it your ‘spider-sense’.

“Kook?” You ask, getting up clumsily, feeling awkward. “What are you doing here?”

“I… uh… I need to talk to you.” He mumbles as you walk over, gesturing for him to come in before looking outside at your father, who’s smirking at you. You roll your eyes and close the door behind you.

“I’m kinda busy,” you say, avoiding his gaze, with your hands on your hips. “Make it quick.”

Jungkook's heart clenches painfully at the way you're acting. He hates it. He misses you.

“Y/N…” He starts, tilting his head to force you to look at him. “Are you avoiding me?”

“What— No!” You immediately shake your head.

“Please, don’t… sugarcoat it. If you don’t want to be friends anymore, that’s okay. But just tell me. I’ll respect your decision, but—"

“I’m not avoiding you, Kook!” You sigh, your stomach twisting uncomfortably.

“We haven't had a real conversation in weeks. You have time for everyone but me. You can’t even look at me right now.” He frowns as you finally lift your eyes from your feet to meet his gaze. “You know what? Sorry, it was stupid of me to bother you. I get it.” He clenches his jaw and steps back, turning toward the door.

He needs to get out fast. Jungkook has always been emotional. He can’t help it. The last thing he wants is for you to see him cry over this. He knows you wouldn’t judge him. But it still hurts.

 “What do you want me to say?” You bark, fists clenched at your sides as you stare at the back of his neck. You hate his chestnut haircut—you’ve told him multiple times. But that didn't stop you from falling for that idiot.

Your words make him freeze, his fingers still on the doorknob. He stares at the chipped paint of your door, unsure what to do, waiting for you to continue.

“I…” you start, shaking your head. “This is stupid.”

“You what?” He asks, not moving. But when you don’t reply, he nods, his grip tightening on the doorknob. “Alright…” He sighs, ready to leave.

“I like you.” You say in one breath, scared that if he crosses the threshold, you’ll never see him again. The confession sends a shiver down his spine. When he turns to face you, you're looking away, frowning— probably angry because you don't understand this new feeling. “Laugh at me all you want. I can’t help it.” You mutter, jaw clenched.

But Jungkook doesn’t want to laugh. His features soften as he watches you.

“Why would I?” He almost whispers, stepping closer. “Why would I?” He repeats, tilting his head to make you meet his gaze.

“Because you’re popular, and you can have any girls you want. Why would you care about someone who looks and acts like a boy?” You reply, making him chuckle softly. He pulls you into a warm hug, your breath shaky, but you stay still.

“I don’t care about them,” He murmurs, his warm breath brushing your ear as he tightens his arms around you, his nose grazing the skin of your shoulder. “I like you,” he says, and his words make you freeze for a second before you start laughing nervously. You bury your face in the crook of his neck, your arms wrapping shyly around his frame.

A huge weight lifts off your heart, and you feel lighter.

“Let me take you on a date,” he offers, pulling back as you shake your head, amused.

“A date?” You ask as he hums, wiping away a lonely tear from your cheek— the last remnant of your fear of losing him because of feelings you thought were unrequited.

“Well… I don’t have the money for something fancy, but I know you like tteokbokki.” He adds with an amused smile, his hands resting on your shoulders as you nod. “If I want you to be my girlfriend, I’ll better woo you properly, right?”

DUST OF US MASTERLIST.

WATTPAD.

buy me a coffee<3

[vashtijoy]

Extremely random thought but do you think that cringy fanfictions written by preteens who then grew up to be embarassed adults would have never existed in the Marukiverse, considering how that art student who was in a slump was forcibly pivoted to archery instead?

wow, goddamn. I guess you could take it either way, couldn't you? Maruki does seem to think that struggling against the odds isn't worth it, and that depression and discouragement are best treated by giving up.

I do tend to think that Maruki is able to tell what people truly want, to somehow divine it out of their heads, even before 12/24—just because all of the kids get something they really want, even when it's not necessarily obvious. Maruki makes some startling judgements there, but the PTs all seem to agree that they were genuine temptations.

So my reading would tend be that Yusuke's artist friend really did think he might have been happier as an archer, and really did believe there was no hope for him in art—but, just as the PTs all turn down their wishes that they desperately want, Yusuke's friend has chosen not to switch paths, and to stick with his painting despite his slump. Until Maruki happens to him, at any rate.

What I think is more likely is that people who want to write would still write. They just wouldn't ever feel discouraged, or down. They wouldn't go through that phase of realising all their work is cringe. And of course, because Maruki's reality has no pain or challenge or complexity, nobody would ever write anything worth reading.

Which brings me to....

deleted text chat

While I was checking the archery chat, I ran into this deleted chat all about conflicting wishes, and how the very thoughts in people's heads, their ability to feel negative emotions at all, will likely be erased. It's unsettling reading, and confirms a number of theories that go around about what life in Maruki's reality would really have been like, and how he'd likely handle conflicts.

It's SCRIPTCHAT_282, and since it didn't make it into the English localisation, it will have been cut in very early dev. Look out for Akechi chiming in when Ann talks about wishing to get rid of people they don't want around.

Futaba 正月のこと覚えてるか? Do you guys remember New Year? Ryuji そりゃもちろん 嫌でも忘れねーよ… Course we do. There’s no way we could forget that. Futaba わたしのおかーさんいただろ? 春もおとーさんいたよな? My mom was there, right? And Haru’s dad was there too, right? Haru え、うん　いたけど… Uh, yes. I suppose so... Makoto なにかあった? Did something happen? Futaba ちょっと考えてたんだ I was thinking. Futaba 死んじゃった人に会いたいって 思ったら生き返ってたじゃん? If we think about wanting dead people back, they come back to life, right? Futaba んじゃその逆は? って So does it work the other way around? Sumire 逆…ですか The… other way around? Ann いなくなってほしい人に 消えろって願ったら… If we wish for people to disappear, who we don’t want around… Ann ってこと? Is that what you mean? Futaba そ! Yeah! Akechi なかなか面白い考えだね 、どう思う? That’s quite an interesting thought. Ren, what do you make of it? [Joker] 消える気がする I feel like disappearing myself. [Joker] 考え方が変わる It’s changed my perspective. Yusuke だが、誰かが生きてほしいと 願ったらどうなるんだ But then, what would happen if somebody else wished they were still alive? Sumire 一度消えて また現れるんですかね… They’d die, and then reappear again, wouldn’t they..? Ryuji 忙しいな Busy day. Akechi そういう考え自体 が 消えてしまうんじゃないかな You know, even thoughts such as these may die out in the end. Yusuke 自分のか? You mean our own thoughts? Sumire そういうこと考えなくなる ってことですね Do you mean we just wouldn’t think such things any more? Akechi 僕も同意見だな　思考自体を消されると思うよ It does seem likely. I’m afraid thought itself will be erased. Futaba あーなるほど Huh. I see. Haru 負の感情を抱かなくなるのかぁ… So… so we won’t be able to feel bad things any more..? Ann 平和になりそうだけど なんか気味悪いね It’s kind of creepy, isn’t it? We’d get to live in peace, but… Ryuji つか、よくそんな 物騒 なこと思いつくよな You always gotta think of the worst things, don’t you, Futaba? Futaba だってヒマなんだもん It’s because I get bored. Futaba あ、そうじろう帰って来た そんじゃな! Oh, there’s Sojiro! See ya! Yusuke 本当に暇潰しだったのか So this was all just to relieve her boredom? Makoto じゃあ、私たちも 授業に戻りましょう We should all turn back to our lessons, anyway. Morgana 人を生き返らせる、か。認知を使ってそんなことするなんて… Bringing people back to life, huh? Imagine using cognition to do such a thing… Morgana ワガハイには理解できないぜ。 I just can’t understand it.

revision history

Click here for the latest version.

v1.0 (posted 2024/11/30)—first posted.

[mohntilyet]

i read the wigmaker job recently and there’s an idea that really stuck with me, which may well have been discussed before, but it’s really been itching at me. it came from this exchange near the end –

“i don't want to quit.” / illario sat back. the distance between them suddenly felt much wider than a table. / “even if it kills you,” illario whispered. / “death is my calling,” lucanis stated, matter-of-fact. “just as yours is to become first talon.”

(the bits before and after this give important context, too, but these specific lines are what gnaw at me)

i. really wonder if this conversation – and the long-standing beliefs held by both of them that it’s indicative of – contributed to giving lucanis to zara.

like, illario coming to terms with the fact that lucanis really just will. not. stop. for ANYTHING. his cousin WILL get himself killed doing this and lucanis won’t have any regrets. he’ll leave illario to go this alone. (no one to follow after anymore.) combined with the envy of knowing that lucanis is and always will be caterina’s favorite, and she will likely pick lucanis to be first talon even tho lucanis does not want this At All…

i wonder if he thought that, well, if lucanis is going to die anyway… maybe it’s better to have it happen sooner, rather than later. why put off the inevitable? especially if this is the one thing that could shift caterina’s gaze to illario and give him what he’s wanted – what he’s earned.

lucanis wouldn’t be happy as first talon anyway (honestly, illario seems to see that what lucanis is NOW isn’t so much ‘happy’ as it is ‘obedient and content to accept the scraps that gives him’), and he’s GOING to get himself killed doing this, anyway… and sure, they COULD wait it out. wait for lucanis to do something foolish enough that he can't just walk away from it. maybe he’ll even last long enough to be made first talon (if caterina can ever bear to loosen her grip from the title) and be miserable for a while. years even, maybe. before he, again, does something he can’t walk away from.

OR. or. or illario could cut through all the pointless waiting and get right to the point. go straight to where this was always going to end up.

(and maybe part of it is an extension of anticipated grief, too – the loss will be agony. if illario controls when and how it happens, he can control his grief. …except he hasn’t accepted the inevitability of lucanis’ death quite as well as he’d thought and when he gets sloshed at the wake, real grief seeps through the cracks)

i dunno. something about both of them viewing lucanis’ death as a foregone conclusion and how illario Might have had that shape his decisions.

YEAH . YEAHHHHH. i do also think the “to reason” exchange is what solidifies it in illario’s mind. lucanis is like 'this has been a productive if tense talk with my cousin. surely he sees sense now.' and illario is like ‘what the fuck. i think he wants to die’ <- okay im exaggerating a bit but i do absolutely see the end of wigmaker’s job as the start of lucanis-illario’s downward spiral. there’s a reason that it’s something lucanis is stuck on during inner demons, and the exchange that you have very nicely broken down is what he hears echoes of, this is where he knows it started to go wrong

probably the worst part is lucanis WOULD have worked himself to death and it takes the series of events in veilguard for lucanis to see other options for his life, and still he ends up being shoehorned into first talon by the end of the quest. i thought his quest would parallel iron bull’s, in that rook shows them that living outside and away from crow influence is possible, and that he is much more than the weapon they turned him into, but it ofc doesn’t go through like that. it’s genuinely a bit heartbreaking that lucanis finally has support and like. FRIENDS. but with the way the game ends he’s pulled back into the crows and to a life that will be about protecting a cousin that the organisation he runs hates, and for as long as caterina lives, unable to say no to her. and meanwhile after lucanis has made connections outside of the crows, illario has absolutely nothing left (prison of his own making i get it but i still want to get his ass out of there. 😭) so the codependency that they used to share is gone as well. maybe lucanis has a foot out the door but i genuinely have no idea how illario goes on after this

[dreamwatch]

Part 1 Part 3 AO3

Written for the @corrodedcoffinfest Black Friday pop-up event.

Prompts: Black, Friday, "I'm not standing in line for that", Leftovers, Trampled, One Day Only, "I am giving thanks."

Yeah... all of them, and you're right, it was a stupid idea.

Word Count: Pt2 - 3670 | Rating: M | CW: Past suicidal ideation (very subtle, blink and you'll miss, I'm just being cautious) | POV: Mixed - Pt1 Eddie, Pt2 Steve, Pt3 Eddie | Pairing: Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson | Tags: Eddie Munson, Steve Harrington, Gareth CC, Jeff CC, Matt CC, Wayne Munson, disabled Eddie Munson, pining, protective Gareth, protective Steve, kissing, guitars, reference to canon typical injuries, references to blood and injury- please let me know if you think I've missed any.

I'm posting in 3 parts, because this is nearly 12k in total, which is a lot. Mods - hope that's ok! I'll link them all together. :)

Part 2

Steve’s learned a lot about himself this past year.

He’s a good friend, for one, an excellent wing man, even if Robin continues to do her best to get in her own way. 

He’s painfully patient with Dustin and the rest of the little assholes that have literally haunted his every waking moment for the last three years. He loves them, and they know it and they abuse that love on a near daily basis. Sadly, he wouldn’t change them for the world.

He doesn’t love Nancy anymore. He doesn’t want to think on that too much.

He’s done with dating. He’s done with the peacocking that comes with it, the effort of it when the person you’re with is just… okay. Nice enough. Inoffensive. He’s at that point in his life where he just needs something real, someone real, someone full of life, who makes him laugh, who wants to share everything with him. He’s done with quick fucks, the empty feeling of grabbing your clothes and sneaking out of bedrooms, of trying to get your pants on in the back of the bimmer. He wants love, and he’s not afraid to go after it now.

Oh, yeah, and he likes guys.

That’s probably not that much of a revelation, to him at least, Robin had been more intense about it.

“Now you tell me? Not when I was covered in piss and puke on the floor of a public bathroom, Steve, when I was sharing my deepest secrets with you, you tell me now, months later, you’ve had literally months, and it’s at this point in time, randomly while I am trying to re-shelve a weekend’s worth of returns, that you choose to drop this bombshell, this life changing moment, that you’ve been carrying around with you for, how long?”

“A few months.”

“A few months. A few months, he says like it’s no big deal. What is wrong with you?”

What was wrong with him was Eddie Munson. He’s still kind of getting his head around it all to be honest.

The guy thing was there for years, a low level thrum of attraction, of slightly too long looks, of grab-assing and horseplay in locker rooms and showers. Easy to pass off as nothing because they were all doing it, to one degree or another. Some, like Tommy Hagan, were less than subtle about it. 

But the Eddie thing hit him like a bolt of lightning. Never saw it coming. One minute he’s a suspected murderer holding a broken bottle against Steve’s throat and the next Steve’s holding his hand while he’s cuffed to a hospital bed scared out of his mind. 

There’s something to be said for seeing someone at their worst, there’s a pride from watching them climb back and knowing you had a part in that, being able to pat yourself on the back for it. But this isn’t the shared trauma that Robin talks of. This is pretty brown eyes and long lashes, this is dimples you want to sink your fingers into. This is hair you want to touch and hands you want to hold, and lips you want to kiss. 

He’s spent so much time with Eddie over the last seven or eight months, and it’s snowballed; as the months roll on, the number of days they spend together has increased. At first it was to be helpful, for as much as the pair of them loved each other there was no way Eddie would feel comfortable with Dustin taking him to and from the bathroom to take a piss, or to hold his hair back when he puked, or to help him get dressed, or a multitude of other easy things that just became hard for him over night. 

Steve could do those things for him. He wanted to do those things for him.

Eddie has other friends, sure, but Steve was there. He still has nights where all he can see imprinted on the back of his eyelids is Eddie’s corpse, can smell the penny scent of blood. His fingers twitch when he remembers how Eddie’s skin felt slippery, the sudden release of his chest as a rib breaks. 

Those are things Eddie’s friends can’t know, and Steve is happy for them. He truly wishes he didn’t know, either.

They know things Steve doesn’t, however, and he needs their help.

Say what you want about Steve, but when he wants something he goes all out.

So dinner didn’t go well, but there’s not much he can do about that now. But just being there and seeing Eddie’s obvious pleasure at the effort at least did something to lift his spirits. And they had a nice evening, watching TV and talking late into the night until Eddie started to fall asleep on the couch and Steve took that as his cue to say goodnight, as much as he wanted to stay.

He nearly fucked up when he asked if Eddie wanted to hang with him and Robin for the day. He was like, ninety seven per cent sure Eddie would say no, the guy barely leaves the house these days, but just for a second he looked as if he was going to say yes. And that would have put a real crimp on Steve’s plans, because they had nothing to do with ferrying Robin around on a joy ride, and everything to do with Eddie.

He wakes early the day after Thanksgiving, despite the late night, which is not unusual for him; he still runs most days, he enjoys the feel of it, running through choice rather than because he’s trying to stay alive. It’s a decision he gets to make for himself, something he can own, and there hasn’t been an awful lot of that over the last few years.

But today he has a mission, and it starts with Dustin.

When he rolls up to the Henderson house it’s barely eight A.M., and there’s a good chance Dustin will still be in bed. So he does what the little shit heads would do. He bangs on Dustin’s bedroom window.

He peers through just in time to see a bundle of blankets tumble to the floor, Dustin smack in the middle of them. Dustin squints back at him before opening the window.

“Jesus Christ, Steve, what the fuck?”

“Your language is shocking, you know that? Is that Eddie? I need to keep you two apart, seriously.”

“I think my language it perfectly reasonable given it’s a holiday and it’s—“ he glances at his watch, “eight! Jesus—“

“—Christ, yeah, yeah I got it. I need help. Where does Gareth live?”

Dustin frowns at him, bleary eyed.

“Why do you want to know?”

“Uh, how about none of your business?” 

“Uh, okay, how about I’m going back to bed now?”

Dustin moves to close the window, Steve reaching to stop him.

“Alright, alright. Jesus,” and for a second Steve thinks he might know where that language is actually coming from. “I’m running an errand for Eddie.”

“What kind of errand?”

This fucking kid.

“The private kind.”

“Why didn’t Eddie give you his address then?”

So, Steve’s tenacious, but maybe he doesn’t always think things through completely.

“Look, I’m trying to do something nice for Eddie, okay? The surprise type of nice, and no offence, but you’re just not that great at keeping your mouth shut.”

Dustin nearly chokes on his indignation. Steve just raises an eyebrow in challenge. The kid hasn’t got a leg to stand on, and he knows it.

“Fine!” Dustin huffs, then wanders into his room to find a pen and some paper. He’s back a second later, thrusting the yellow note paper at Steve.

“Thank you. Now was that so hard?”

Dustin flips him the bird in response.

“Okay, go back to bed you little shit. Call you tomorrow.”

“Make sure you do.”

And with that the window slams shut and Steve can’t help the fond smile as the curtains close.

As it turns out, Gareth doesn’t live all that far from the Hendersons. There’s something off about turning up outside someone’s house that early in the morning when you don’t really know them, and he can’t imagine Gareth is going to appreciate a knock on the door from him at anytime of the day honestly, so he sits in his car a few spots further up the street. He should have got a coffee and a donut, go the full Chief Hopper route.

Steve waits patiently for a little action inside the house, trying to gauge if people are up, had their breakfast, that kind of thing, when there’s a rumble from the opposite end of the street. He checks his rear view mirror and watches as a blue AMC Pacer struggles to climb the hill. He knows that car from the the Hawkins High parking lot, though it usually has music blaring from it. This morning it seems to be respectfully peaceful. He doesn’t get a chance to ponder it much further. It parks up outside Gareth’s place and Jeff climbs out, Matt pouring out behind him. 

Steve waits patiently for them to go in the house, door opened by a bleary eyed Gareth with a nest for hair and blue check boxers fully on display. It takes twenty minutes for them to leave, this time everyone looking a little more awake. He pulls his keys from the ignition and opens the door.

“Hey.”

The three of them turn to face him all at once, glaring at him once they recognise him.

“Can we help you?” asks Gareth with a sneer. 

Steve’s well aware these guys don’t like him, though he has no fucking clue why other than ‘you jock, me nerd’ which is total bullshit. He’s had a lot to work through this last few years, and part of that has been to stop apologising for who he was. Because firstly, he wasn’t that bad. A low key douche, but he wasn’t mean with it (Jonathan Byers being the exception, and he has apologised profusely). So you know, fuck these guys, honestly. 

However, he also kind of needs them today.

“Uh, Henderson mentioned you were headed into Indy today? Shopping?”

“What’s it to you?” asks Matt.

“I need a favour. I have a— cousin? My cousin, yeah, so he’s staying with me at the moment and the guy’s had a tough year and I want to like, get him something nice, but I have no idea what.”

Jeff shakes his head. “We’re not personal shoppers, dude, how the fuck—”

“He’s one of you. He’s like a—” Steve gestures broadly at them, “Like, a metalhead, you know. And he plays guitar.”

“Oh my God,” laughs Matt, “There’s a cool Harrington? This is I have to see.”

And he and Jeff yuck it up, but Gareth isn’t. Gareth is looking at him, really looking and Steve thinks this was a fucking mistake. He feels a little naked out on this street, his insides on the outsides for this one person to scrutinise. 

“Yeah, okay,” says Gareth, eventually. “So what do you want from us?”

He pulls a crumpled up page from the back pocket of his jeans. “This guitar store is having a sale, one day only. Store opens at ten, but like, I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Matt grabs the paper from him. “Holy shit, you want to buy him a guitar? Can I be your cousin?”

“He— uh, lost his. And like, it was a big deal to him, you know? I can’t stretch to much, but I thought, maybe with the sale…” He shrugs.

While Jeff and Matt look at the ad, Gareth doesn’t take his eyes off him.

“Why didn’t you ask Eddie?”

It makes the other two pause and makes a little piece of Steve’s stomach drop.

“I was going to but, uh, he mentioned he was staying home. And you know, you guys know just as much about this shit as he does.”

He’s not above a bit of flattery to get what he wants.

“I need new strings, actually,” says Matt, staring at the crumpled paper.

“Shit, theres like fifty per cent off some of this stuff,” Jeff says, snatching the ad. “Time to get a new pedal.”

Gareth continues to try and bore holes through him with his eyes, so he decides to up the ante, offers to drive so they don’t all have to pile into Matt’s piece of shit Pacer, and he’ll buy them lunch, and sure, he’ll take them wherever they want to go in the city, and he’s starting to regret this, until Gareth says the magic word:

“Sure.”

It’s laced with suspicion and confusion, but fuck it, Steve will take it. He only needs them for a few hours.

The drive is uneventful. Jeff and Matt share college stories, telling Gareth about the parties they’re going to, the clubs they’ve joined, and in Matt’s case the pussy he’s getting. Steve nearly chokes on a Twizzler.

“Dude? ‘Pussy’? Really?”

“What? Since when have you been so puritanical? I can’t help it if the ladies flock to me.”

 He’s desperately trying to not upset this particular apple cart, but Jesus they don’t make it easy.

Matt reaches through the back seats, looking to change radio stations, until Gareth slaps his hand and tells him to sit the fuck down.

“What about you, Harrington?” asks Matt.

Steve shoots him a look in the rearview mirror. “What about me?”

“Got any college plans?”

They have to know he doesn’t, and his skin itches with annoyance. He’s trying to be really nice for lot’s of reasons; right now because he needs them, but also their Eddie’s friends, Dustin and Mike and Lucas’s friends as well come to think of it. Jeff and Matt might not be around, but Gareth very much is. They weren’t around much to begin with, and Steve didn’t ask about that, not really his place and he kind of had bigger problems at the time, what with two friends in the hospital, El in hiding from the army and half the town crumbled to ash. But things seem to be better between them all now; Eddie has letters from them in a sweet little box he made on his desk, and a pennant from Loyola on his wall. Gareth comes over a couple of times a week to hang out with him. So it’s all on the up. But they still piss Steve off, and he’s entitled to that.

“Nope, just living the dream at Family Video.”

It’s a conversation killer, and he’s just pissed off enough not to care. Instead he cranks up the radio, Peter Cetera crooning The Glory of Love blasts from the speakers, though not loud enough to cover the groaning and Matt pretending to be sick.

They make it to Indy just before ten A.M. The store is much bigger than he expected. It also has a queue snaking down the block.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Gareth smirks at him. “It’s a black Friday sale, man. Fifty percent off this stuff is no joke. You thought you could just wander in like it’s a fricking Kroger? Jesus.”

“I want my pedal,” says Jeff as he wanders to the back of the queue.

Matt shakes his head. “Well, I’m not waiting in line for that.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets and makes to cross the street. “I’m going to Tower. I’ll meet you back at the King-mobile in an hour. Enjoy getting trampled!”

“King-mobile?” Steve mutters under his breath. “Asshole can walk home.”

He spends an awkward thirty minutes in line, listening to Jeff and Gareth arguing about music and games and a load of other shit Steve doesn’t know anything about, before Jeff tries to include him in the conversation, seemingly to Gareth’s annoyance. Eventually they’re in, and goddamn there are a lot of guitars; floor to ceiling, brand after brand, every colour and finish you can imagine. It’s oddly exciting, despite the fact he can’t play and has no idea what any of this stuff is. He gets a flash of the odd price ticket and his heart sinks. He’s not short of money, sure, but some of these would make an impressive hole in his savings account.

Jeff and Gareth desert him almost immediately, off playing with the toys, so Steve wanders through the store on his own, knocking shoulders occasionally with actual musicians trying out guitars. There’s a hum of activity, snippets of solos and songs he mostly doesn’t recognise filling the space around them. He’s out of his depth, but all the assistants are busy, and he hasn’t got a clue what he’s asking for anyway. So he does laps around the store looking at each guitar trying to size it up.

He stops when he gets to a rainbow wall of B.C. Rich guitars. He knows which one is Eddie’s, a red and black Warlock that was lost to the netherworld when Eddie’s trailer fell into the the void. They don’t have the same one, and his heart sinks a little until he spots a glossy black version He reaches out tentatively.

“Not that one.”

Steve spins, and comes face to face with Gareth. 

“What?”

Gareth looks conflicted, looks around as if he thinks he’s going to be overheard. The hustle and bustle of shoppers continues, the solos and music continue to cycle from song to song. 

“Not the Warlock.”

Steve finds himself mirroring Gareth, eyes fluttering around the store, falling on Jeff as he tries out a pedal.

“I don’t—”

“I don’t know what he went through back in March, but I know it was bad enough for him to sell his guitar. So—”

“Wait,” Steve starts, raising his hand. “He sold it? I thought he lost it in the earthquake?”

Gareth shakes his head. “I was with him, dude. He was so desperate to offload it he let it go for a hundred bucks. So if you’re looking to get him a new one, which I think is a bad idea by the way, then maybe don’t replace the one he just got rid of with the exact same model. I’m guessing there was a reason he didn’t want it anymore.”

“Why are we talking about Eddie? I told you, this is for my—”

“—you’re cousin, right. Well, my advice is don’t buy your cousin a Warlock. He won’t thank you for it.”

And with that he slinks off into the store, joining up with Jeff as he tests out a pedal, leaving Steve standing in front of a wall of guitars with no fucking clue what he’s doing, and feeling horribly seen in a way he doesn’t have the fortitude to unravel in the middle of a guitar store in Indianapolis. 

He goes back to the car, radio playing Duran Duran while he can enjoy it before the three ungrateful shit heads pile in and abuse his good will by mocking literally everything about him. Eddie getting rid of the guitar makes no sense to him, but the more he thinks the more it dawns on him that he’s never heard Eddie play. Like, not ever. Even without the BC Rich there are two other guitars in his room, and Steve has spent a lot of time with Eddie over the last few months, and he’s never touched them once that he knows of. It doesn’t make any sense.

Except… his left hand shakes. A lot. And he rarely uses a knife, just uses a fork in his right hand, which Steve only notices because he notices everything about Eddie. Or he thought he had. He missed the biggest part of him. Eddie lost his music and Steve didn’t even notice. 

Jeff and Gareth are back at the car on time, Matt only twenty minutes late, a record according to Jeff. True to his word Steve takes them to lunch, a diner called Sandy’s they all seem overly excited about. They’re talking among themselves and he finds himself content to listen as they talk about things they got up to with Eddie. Hearing about his escapades from before, back when Eddie was still just the school freak and high school super super senior, makes his chest ache. He wants to know that Eddie, wishes he’d had a chance to meet him and hang out before all the Upside Down crap stole their youth from them. But it hits him all at once that he could have had that, if his head hadn’t been stuck so far up Tommy Hagan’s ass. 

He bites into his hot dog and keeps it to himself.

It’s late afternoon when they get back to Hawkins, and he drops everyone back at Gareth’s where they started this monumental waste of a day. Jeff and Matt thank him as they get out of the car, but Gareth hesitates before putting his hand on the door handle. 

“Blue,” Gareth says, like he doesn’t want to, like Steve grabbed him by the throat and threatened him for it. “He likes blue. He doesn’t tell anyone, says it’s not metal.”

“Uh, okay…” 

“And he gets the chilli dog, with extra onions at Sandy’s. With the cheese fries. And a large peanut butter malt. That’s his order.”

And like, what the fuck? Steve’s head spins with it, with the fact that Gareth knows something, he has seen something in Steve, and just how far does that go? How transparent is he that this kid who he barely knows has managed to just lift the lid on him and take out all his hidden parts? 

“People haven’t been good to him. He likes you for some reason, so just, don’t fuck him up. That’s all I’m asking, man.”

And with that he gets out of the car, leaving Steve in a whirlwind of panic, and with problems still unsolved.

He needs to talk to Wayne.

[stargareed]

Catelyn Actively Interfered with Jon's Life in a Negative Way

The Vault Vol. VIII

I. Intro

Recent posts have claimed that Catelyn, at worst, simply ignored Jon, and that this is fine because she didn't have a duty to mother Jon. While I agree Catelyn had no duty to mother Jon, I disagree that she simply ignored him. Rather, Catelyn unequivocally attempted to hinder Jon’s relationship with his family and societal position. Further, the text implies the only reason Catelyn didn’t do more to impede Jon’s quality of life was because Ned wouldn’t have allowed it.

First, a disclaimer: I think Catelyn is a compelling character who was, overall, a good person. The way she treated Jon was far more an indictment of Westerosi society than her own personal failings. Her wariness of Jon and his future children was relatively rational considering the historic threat bastards have posed to their trueborn siblings and Catelyn’s duty to ensure her own child inherited Winterfell. While Jon never exhibited any disloyal behavior, Catelyn understandably viewed him as a threat to Robb for at least three reasons: (1) Ned loved Jon and was very protective of him; (2) Jon was raised alongside his trueborn siblings; and (3) Jon looked like Ned, unlike any of Catelyn’s sons.

Ned brought his bastard home with him, and called him "son" for all the North to see.  . . .  She might have overlooked a dozen bastards for Ned's sake, so long as they were out of sight. Jon was never out of sight, and as he grew, he looked more like Ned than any of the trueborn sons she bore him. Somehow that made it worse. (Catelyn II, AGOT (emphasis added))

Aside from any threat Jon posed to Robb’s inheritance, it’s also understandable that Catelyn didn’t like Jon for personal reasons. He was the embodiment of her husband’s infidelity, after all, who was neither out of sight nor out of mind. And Ned seemed to love Jon’s mom. Worse, he refused to even tell Catelyn who Jon’s mother was and got angry when she asked. It had to be difficult when the man Catelyn grew to love refused to share such a big part of his life with her. Indeed, she reflects on this more than once the text:

Eddard Stark had married her in Brandon's place, as custom decreed, but the shadow of his dead brother still lay between them, as did the other, the shadow of the woman he would not name, the woman who had borne him his bastard son. . . .  When the wars were over at last, and Catelyn rode to Winterfell, Jon and his wet nurse had already taken up residence. That cut deep. Ned would not speak of the mother, not so much as a word, but a castle has no secrets, and Catelyn heard her maids repeating tales they heard from the lips of her husband's soldiers. . . . The Lady Ashara Dayne, tall and fair, with haunting violet eyes. It had taken her a fortnight to marshal her courage, but finally, in bed one night, Catelyn had asked her husband the truth of it, asked him to his face. That was the only time in all their years that Ned had ever frightened her. "Never ask me about Jon," he said, cold as ice. "He is my blood, and that is all you need to know. And now I will learn where you heard that name, my lady." She had pledged to obey; she told him; and from that day on, the whispering had stopped, and Ashara Dayne's name was never heard in Winterfell again.  Whoever Jon's mother had been, Ned must have loved her fiercely, for nothing Catelyn said would persuade him to send the boy away. It was the one thing she could never forgive him. She had come to love her husband with all her heart, but she had never found it in her to love Jon. (Catelyn II, AGOT (emphasis added)) Her own children had more Tully about them than Stark. Arya was the only one to show much of Ned in her features. And Jon Snow, but he was never mine. She found herself thinking of Jon's mother, that shadowy secret love her husband would never speak of. Does she grieve for Ned as I do? Or did she hate him for leaving her bed for mine? Does she pray for her son as I have prayed for mine?  They were uncomfortable thoughts, and futile. If Jon had been born of Ashara Dayne of Starfall, as some whispered, the lady was long dead; if not, Catelyn had no clue who or where his mother might be. And it made no matter. Ned was gone now, and his loves and his secrets had all died with him. (Catelyn VI, ACOK (emphasis added))

Moreover, Westerosi norms likely exacerbated Catelyn’s hurt feelings because they limited her options in dealing with such a slight. She had no say over whether Jon lived in Winterfell, at least while Ned resided there. She couldn’t just divorce Ned. What’s more, she had every incentive to learn to love Ned for the sake of her children. But while societal norms encouraged her to forgive her husband’s infidelity, they did not force her to mother Jon. So, she didn’t. 

Ideally, Catelyn would not have blamed Jon for Ned’s actions. But let’s be real, only an extraordinary person would be able to completely separate the negative emotions caused by their spouse’s betrayal from how they perceived the very product of that betrayal. And while Catelyn was extraordinary in some things, such as her devotion to her children, she wasn’t extraordinary in her treatment of Jon. And that’s ok. It doesn’t make her a bad person.

That said, it’s also disingenuous to pretend Catelyn didn’t mistreat Jon, even if her actions were understandable. In 2005, GRRM stated that Catelyn and Sansa were the two POV characters readers disliked most. This is likely because of their contentious relationships with sympathetic protagonists Jon and Arya, respectively. If Catelyn’s mistreatment of Jon was truly limited to neglect, it’s doubtful readers would have such a negative view of Catelyn. Regardless, the text provides multiple examples of Catelyn affirmatively interfering in Jon’s life. 

One final clarification before we begin. I'm aware that in 1999, when asked about Catelyn's "mistreatment" of Jon, GRRM responded that while Catelyn "distance[d]" herself from Jon, she did not "verbally abuse and attack him," and that the instance in Bran's bedroom was a "very special case." However, while an author's account of the facts must be accepted as gospel (e.g. Catelyn did this to Jon, she didn't do that), an author's legal conclusion about what those facts constitute is not entitled to the same deference (e.g. Catelyn did A, B, and C to Jon, and this does/does not constitute "abuse"). To be sure, GRRM's statement that Catelyn didn't regularly abuse Jon is certainly relevant. However, it's not dispositive because, let's be real, a baby boomer speaking in the 1990s is likely going to have a different definition of abuse than a millennial would in the 2020s. As a result, I'm not going to focus on whether Catelyn "abused" Jon because many of us have different definitions of abuse. Rather, I'm simply going to try to discuss a few express and implied facts that show Catelyn did far more than simply ignore Jon.

II. Catelyn fought hard to banish Jon from Winterfell, even after Jon grew close to his siblings.

Catelyn had tried to send Jon away from his family multiple times before the events in the first book, to no avail. 

Whoever Jon's mother had been, Ned must have loved her fiercely, for nothing Catelyn said would persuade him to send the boy away. It was the one thing she could never forgive him. (Catelyn II, AGOT (emphasis added))

Then, once Catelyn convinced Ned to become King Robert’s Hand, she again demanded that 14-year-old Jon leave Winterfell. This time she was successful, in part because of Jon’s desire to take the Black. 

Jon must go," she said now. "He and Robb are close," Ned said. "I had hoped …" "He cannot stay here," Catelyn said, cutting him off. "He is your son, not mine. I will not have him." It was hard, she knew, but no less the truth. Ned would do the boy no kindness by leaving him here at Winterfell. The look Ned gave her was anguished. "You know I cannot take him south. There will be no place for him at court. A boy with a bastard's name … you know what they will say of him. He will be shunned."  Catelyn armored her heart against the mute appeal in her husband's eyes. "They say your friend Robert has fathered a dozen bastards himself."  "And none of them has ever been seen at court!" Ned blazed. “The Lannister woman has seen to that. How can you be so damnably cruel, Catelyn? He is only a boy. He—"  His fury was on him. He might have said more, and worse, but Maester Luwin cut in. "Another solution presents itself," he said, his voice quiet. "Your brother Benjen came to me about Jon a few days ago. It seems the boy aspires to take the black."  Ned looked shocked. "He asked to join the Night's Watch?"  Catelyn said nothing. Let Ned work it out in his own mind; her voice would not be welcome now. Yet gladly would she have kissed the maester just then. His was the perfect solution. Benjen Stark was a Sworn Brother. Jon would be a son to him, the child he would never have. And in time the boy would take the oath as well. He would father no sons who might someday contest with Catelyn's own grandchildren for Winterfell. (Catelyn II, AGOT (emphasis added))

(As an aside, I’ve always loved that Ned referred to Jon not as a “bastard,” but as a “boy with a bastard’s name.”)

III. Catelyn also played a role in Jon ultimately choosing to take the black because she made sure Jon knew he would never be part of the Stark family or welcome in Winterfell.

While it was Jon’s choice to join the Night’s Watch initially, he quickly became disillusioned when he realized it was filled with criminals who lacked honor. But while he desired to go back to Winterfell, he knew he had no place there because of Catelyn. So, he swore his life away. 

Once he swore his vow, the Wall would be his home until he was old as Maester Aemon. "I have not sworn yet," he muttered. He was no outlaw, bound to take the black or pay the penalty for his crimes. He had come here freely, and he might leave freely … until he said the words. He need only ride on, and he could leave it all behind. By the time the moon was full again, he would be back in Winterfell with his brothers. Your half brothers, a voice inside reminded him. And Lady Stark, who will not welcome you. There was no place for him in Winterfell, no place in King's Landing either. Even his own mother had not had a place for him. The thought of her made him sad. He wondered who she had been, what she had looked like, why his father had left her. Because she was a whore or an adulteress, fool. Something dark and dishonorable, or else why was Lord Eddard too ashamed to speak of her? (Jon V, AGOT (emphasis added))

We also see, through Jon’s eyes, the extent to which Catelyn made him feel alienated from his Stark family.

"We're not friends," Jon said. He put a hand on Sam's broad shoulder. "We're brothers." And so they were, he thought to himself after Sam had taken his leave. Robb and Bran and Rickon were his father's sons, and he loved them still, yet Jon knew that he had never truly been one of them. Catelyn Stark had seen to that. The grey walls of Winterfell might still haunt his dreams, but Castle Black was his life now, and his brothers were Sam and Grenn and Halder and Pyp and the other cast-outs who wore the black of the Night's Watch. (Jon IV, AGOT (emphasis added)) "Your sister," Iron Emmett said, "how old is …" By now she'd be eleven, Jon thought. Still a child. "I have no sister. Only brothers. Only you." Lady Catelyn would have rejoiced to hear those words, he knew. That did not make them easier to say. His fingers closed around the parchment. Would that they could crush Ramsay Bolton's throat as easily. (Jon VI, ADWD (emphasis added))

Fortunately for Jon, it seems Catelyn’s disdain for him was only adopted by Sansa, at least among his siblings:

He missed his true brothers: little Rickon, bright eyes shining as he begged for a sweet; Robb, his rival and best friend and constant companion; Bran, stubborn and curious, always wanting to follow and join in whatever Jon and Robb were doing. He missed the girls too, even Sansa, who never called him anything but "my half brother" since she was old enough to understand what bastard meant. And Arya … he missed her even more than Robb, skinny little thing that she was, all scraped knees and tangled hair and torn clothes, so fierce and willful. Arya never seemed to fit, no more than he had … yet she could always make Jon smile. He would give anything to be with her now, to muss up her hair once more and watch her make a face, to hear her finish a sentence with him. (Jon III, AGOT (emphasis added))

Though, of course, Catelyn made her contempt for Jon known outside the Stark family. 

"I will permit you to take the black. Ned Stark's bastard is the Lord Commander on the Wall." The Blackfish narrowed his eyes. "Did your father arrange for that as well? Catelyn never trusted the boy, as I recall, no more than she ever trusted Theon Greyjoy. It would seem she was right about them both. No, ser, I think not. I'll die warm, if you please, with a sword in hand running red with lion blood." (Jaime VI, AFFC (emphasis added))

This fact even made Jon hesitate to ask the Vale for food for the Night’s Watch.

We could, thought Jon, if we had the gold, and someone willing to sell us food. Both of those were lacking. Our best hope may be the Eyrie. The Vale of Arryn was famously fertile and had gone untouched during the fighting. Jon wondered how Lady Catelyn's sister would feel about feeding Ned Stark's bastard. As a boy, he often felt as if the lady grudged him every bite. (Jon IV, ADWD (emphasis added))

IV. Catelyn mistreated Jon while he lived in Winterfell, to the point where he felt uncomfortable even being in the same room with her if Ned wasn't there.

There have been some great write ups about how, while GRRM said Catelyn’s horrible treatment of Jon when Bran was comatose--i.e. “It should have been you”--was a “special case,” the scene also revealed Catelyn had a history of mistreating Jon. For example, Jon was afraid to visit his own comatose brother merely because Catelyn was in the same room. 

He reached the landing and stood for a long moment, afraid. Ghost nuzzled at his hand. He took courage from that. He straightened and entered the room. Lady Stark was there beside his bed. She had been there, day and night, for close on a fortnight. Not for a moment had she left Bran’s side. She had her meals brought to her there, and chamber pots as well, and a small hard bed to sleep on, though it was said she had scarcely slept at all. She fed him herself, the honey and water and herb mixture that sustained life. Not once did she leave the room. So Jon had stayed away. But now there was no more time. He stood in the door for a moment, afraid to speak, afraid to come closer. The window was open. Below, a wolf howled. Ghost heard and lifted his head. Lady Stark looked over. For a moment she did not seem to recognize him. Finally she blinked. “What are you doing here?” she asked in a voice strangely flat and emotionless. (Jon II, AGOT (emphasis added))

Jon’s fears proved well founded as Catelyn immediately attempted to prevent him from seeing his own dying brother. 

“I came to see Bran,” Jon said. “To say good-bye.” Her face did not change. Her long auburn hair was dull and tangled. She looked as thought she had aged twenty years. “You’ve said it. Now go away.” Part of him wanted only to flee, but he knew that if he did he might never see Bran again. He took a nervous step into the room. “Please,” he said. Something cold moved in her eyes. “I told you to leave,” she said. “We don’t want you here.” (Jon II, AGOT (emphasis added))

Notice how Catelyn said “we” don’t want you here, not “I” don’t want you here. She attempted to manipulate Jon into thinking Bran would also not want him there, when nothing could be further from the truth. 

Soon, it’s revealed this isn’t the first time Catelyn tried to kick Jon out of a room to prevent him from seeing his family. 

Something cold moved in her eyes. “I told you to leave,” she said. “We don’t want you here.” Once that would have sent him running. Once that might even have made him cry. Now it only made him angry. He would be a Sworn Brother of the Night’s Watch soon, and face worse dangers than Catelyn Tully Stark. “He’s my brother,” he said. “Shall I call the guards?” “Call them,” Jon said, defiant. “You can’t stop me from seeing him.” He crossed the room, keeping the bed between them, and looked down on Bran where he lay. (Jon II, AGOT (emphasis added))

Notice also the power she wielded over Jon as Lady of Winterfell, threatening to call the guards on him.

Jon then gave a heartwarming talk to Bran, apologizing that he didn’t come earlier because he was afraid. 

“Bran,” he said, “I’m sorry I didn’t come before. I was afraid.” He could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks. Jon no longer cared. “Don’t die, Bran. Please. We’re all waiting for you to wake up. Me and Robb and the girls, everyone . . . “ Lady Stark was watching. She had not raised a cry. Jon took that for acceptance. Outside the window, the direwolf howled again. The wolf that Bran had not had time to name. “I have to go now,” Jon said. “Uncle Benjen is waiting. I’m to go north to the Wall. We have to leave today, before the snows come.” He remembered how excited Bran had been at the prospect of the journey. It was more than he could bear, the thought of leaving him behind like this. Jon brushed away his tears, leaned over, and kissed his brother lightly on the lips. (Jon II, AGOT (emphasis added))

And then a curious thing happened. Catelyn, grief stricken, confessed to Jon that she felt partially responsible for Bran’s condition. And Jon consoled her! (As an aside, GRRM really knows how to write a sympathetic protagonist, starting with the very first chapter when Jon excluded himself from the Stark family so his siblings could get direwolves, and even later in this chapter when Jon lied to Robb and said Catelyn was kind to him because he knew Robb had enough to deal with.)

“I wanted him to stay here with me,” Lady Stark said softly. Jon watched her, wary. She was not even looking at him. She was talking to him, but for a part of her, it was as though he were not even in the room. “I prayed for it,” she said dully. “He was my special boy. I went to the sept and prayed seven times to the seven faces of god that Ned would change his mind and leave him here with me. Sometimes prayers are answered.” Jon did not know what to say. “It wasn’t your fault,” he managed after an awkward silence. (Jon II, AGOT (emphasis added))

And how was Jon rewarded for trying to comfort Lady Stark?

Her eyes found him. They were full of poison. “I need none of your absolution, bastard.” Jon lowered his eyes. She was cradling one of Bran’s hands. He took the other, squeezed it. Fingers like the bones of birds. “Good-bye,” he said. (Jon II, AGOT (emphasis added))

Now, notice how Jon didn’t think twice when Catelyn called him a “bastard.” This was likely because she’d called him that before. This is important for the next part. 

He was at the door when she called out to him. “Jon,” she said. He should have kept going, but she had never called him by his name before. He turned to find her looking at his face, as if she were seeing hit for the first time. “Yes?” he said. “It should have been you,” she told him. Then she turned back to Bran and began to weep, her whole body shaking with sobs. Jon had never seen her cry before. (Jon II, AGOT (emphasis added))

So, in 14 years, Lady Stark had never once called Jon by his name. Notice it doesn’t say she never once called him a name. Indeed, she had just called him “bastard” and he didn’t think anything of it. So she called him names, like “bastard,” just never “Jon.” That’s pretty messed up. No one should have to face that level of contempt from an authority figure in their own home. No wonder Jon avoided her like the plague.

In sum, even if Cat telling Jon “It should have been you” was a one-time thing, it’s clear she had a history of mistreating him, such as (1) calling him “bastard” but never once calling him by his name; (2) kicking him out of rooms; and (3) making him so uncomfortable that he avoided spending time with his family if she was in the same room (unless Ned was there, of course). 

Now, for those who say Jon may be an unreliable narrator, the next paragraphs show this wasn’t the case because others were very much aware of how Cat mistreated Jon. 

"You Starks are hard to kill," Jon agreed. His voice was flat and tired. The visit had taken all the strength from him. Robb knew something was wrong. “My mother . . . " “She was . . . very kind,” Jon told him. Robb look relieved. “Good.” He smiled. (Jon II, AGOT (emphasis added))

Robb was worried about how his mother treated Jon while Jon was seeing his comatose brother for possibly the last time. When Jon lied and said she treated him kindly (I love Jon!), Robb was “relieved.” This shows Jon wasn’t just making stuff up, and others were aware of Catelyn’s mistreatment of Jon. 

Robb’s interesting because, as supportive as he was of Jon, he unwittingly played a role in what was likely the one of the first times Jon realized he was a bastard, courtesy of Lady Stark, of course. 

Every morning they had trained together, since they were big enough to walk; Snow and Stark, spinning and slashing about the wards of Winterfell, shouting and laughing, sometimes crying when there was no one else to see. They were not little boys when they fought, but knights and mighty heroes. "I'm Prince Aemon the Dragonknight," Jon would call out, and Robb would shout back, "Well, I'm Florian the Fool." Or Robb would say, "I'm the Young Dragon," and Jon would reply, "I'm Ser Ryam Redwyne." That morning he called it first. "I'm Lord of Winterfell!" he cried, as he had a hundred times before. Only this time, this time, Robb had answered, "You can't be Lord of Winterfell, you're bastard-born. My lady mother says you can't ever be the Lord of Winterfell." I thought I had forgotten that. Jon could taste blood in his mouth, from the blow he'd taken. (Jon XII, ASOS (emphasis added))

And soon after that repressed memory resurfaced, Jon thinks again about what Catelyn would do to make him feel unwanted and uncomfortable. 

It was not Lord Eddard's face he saw floating before him, though; it was Lady Catelyn's. With her deep blue eyes and hard cold mouth, she looked a bit like Stannis. Iron, he thought, but brittle. She was looking at him the way she used to look at him at Winterfell, whenever he had bested Robb at swords or sums or most anything. Who are you? that look had always seemed to say. This is not your place. Why are you here? (Jon XII, ASOS (emphasis added))

V. Catelyn sought to prevent Jon from succeeding Robb, even in a scenario where Jon couldn't possibly threaten Catelyn's children or grandchildren.

Catelyn, like much of Westeros, was deeply prejudiced against bastards. 

"Mya Stone, if it please you, my lady," the girl said. It did not please her; it was an effort for Catelyn to keep the smile on her face. Stone was a bastard's name in the Vale, as Snow was in the north, and Flowers in Highgarden; in each of the Seven Kingdoms, custom had fashioned a surname for children born with no names of their own. Catelyn had nothing against this girl, but suddenly she could not help but think of Ned's bastard on the Wall, and the thought made her angry and guilty, both at once. She struggled to find words for a reply. (Catelyn VI, AGOT (emphasis added))

(As an aside, it’s interesting that Cat seemed to feel some guilt regarding Jon. I wish GRRM had fleshed that out a bit more like the show did. It also makes me yearn for a Lady Stoneheart-Jon reunion.)

Catelyn also did not like Jon. So when Robb was trying to discuss who should be his heir--with Bran, Rickon, and Arya presumed dead, and Sansa married to a Lannister--Catelyn did not want to consider Jon, advocating instead for distant Vale relatives. 

“Young, and a king,” he said. “A king must have an heir. If I should die in my next battle, the kingdom must not die with me. By law Sansa is next in line of succession, so Winterfell and the north would pass to her.” His mouth tightened. “To her, and her lord husband. Tyrion Lannister. I cannot allow that. I will not allow that. That dwarf must never have the north.” “No,” Catelyn agreed. “You must name another heir, until such time as Jeyne gives you a son.” She considered for a moment. “Your father’s father had no siblings, but his father had a sister who married a younger son of Lord Raymar Royce, of the junior branch. They had three daughters, all of whom wed Vale lordlings. A Waynwood and a Corbray, for certain. The youngest . . . it might have been a Templeton, but . . . " “Mother.” There was a sharpness in Robb’s tone. “You forget. My father had four sons.” She had not forgotten, she had not wanted to look at it, yet there it was. “A Snow is not a Stark.” (Catelyn V, ASOS (emphasis added))

Ok, first, I love the way Robb reaffirmed Jon’s humanity to his mother, reminding her that Ned Stark had four sons. (Go Robb!) It was always Jon’s goal to live his life so that people would say Ned Stark had four sons, not three. See Jon IX, AGOT (“He was no true Stark, had never been one … but he could die like one. Let them say that Eddard Stark had fathered four sons, not three.”)

Second, it’s important to note that Catelyn explicitly said she did not want to “look at” Jon. Not that she considered him but worried his vows or bastardy precluded him from being heir, but that she did not want to even look at him. This shows Catelyn’s gut feeling was to not even consider Jon, and only when she was forced to did she develop her post hoc arguments regarding Jon’s vows and bastardy. 

Third, while Cat initially framed the discussion as deciding who Robb’s heir should be until Jeyne provided Robb a son, later the discussion was broadened to include who should succeed Robb if he died without issue. And even then Catelyn argued that an unknown Vale lordling should inherit over Jon. This is an important distinction because Cat’s arguments regarding the threat posed by legitimizing Jon--namely that Jon and his sons would threaten Robb’s sons--do not apply to a scenario where Robb dies without issue. And Robb’s Will could easily be written to only legitimize Jon should Robb die without children. So, clearly the issue wasn’t limited to Catelyn’s fear for her children and grandchildren. It also included pure pettiness on Catelyn’s part. 

Catelyn first attempted to dissuade Robb by reminding him of Jon’s Night’s Watch vows. Then, when that didn’t work, she pivoted to the threat posed by legitimizing Jon. 

“Jon’s more a Stark than some lordlings from the Vale who have never so much as set eyes on Winterfell.” “Jon is a brother of the Night’s Watch, sworn to take no wife and hold no lands. Those who take the black serve for life.” “So do the knights of the Kingsguard. That did not stop the Lannisters from stripping the white cloaks from Ser Barristan Selmy and Ser Boros Blount when they had no more use for them. If I send the Watch a hundred men in Jon’s place, I’ll wager they find some way to release him from his vows.” He is set on this. Catelyn knew how stubborn her son could be. “A bastard cannot inherit.” “Not unless he’s legitimized by a royal decree,” said Robb. “There is more precedent for that than for releasing a Sworn Brother from his oath.” “Precedent,” she said bitterly. “Yes, Aegon the Fourth legitimized all his bastards on his deathbed. And how much pain, grief, war, and murder grew from that? I know you trust Jon. But can you trust his sons? Or their sons? The Blackfyre pretenders troubled the Targaryens for five generations, until Barristan the Bold slew the last of them on the Stepstones. If you make Jon legitimate, there is no way to turn him bastard again. Should he wed and breed, any sons you may have by Jeyne will never be safe.” (Catelyn V, ASOS (emphasis added))

I love seeing lawyer Robb advocate on his brother’s behalf. But gods, Catelyn’s contempt for Jon couldn’t be more obvious when she referred to him having kids as “breed[ing].” It reminds me of how Robert Baratheon used that term when referring to Daenerys because of his hatred for Targaryens. 

I love this next part because, not only does Robb defend Jon, so does Grey Wind! Don’t mess with the pack!

“Jon would never harm a son of mine.” “No more than Theon Greyjoy would harm Bran or Rickon?” Grey Wind leapt up atop King Tristifer’s crypt, his teeth barred. Robb’s own face was cold. “That is as cruel as it is unfair. Jon is no Theon.” (Catelyn V, ASOS (emphasis added))

Then it concludes with Catelyn stating she’d even oppose Jon if Robb died without issue. 

“So you pray. Have you considered your sisters? What of their rights? I agree that the north may not be permitted to pass to the Imp, but what of Arya? By law she comes after Sansa . . . your own sister, trueborn.” “. . . and dead. No one has seen or heard of Arya since they cut Father’s head off. Why do you lie to yourself? Arya’s gone, the same as Bran and Rickon, and they’ll kill Sansa too once the dwarf gets a child from her. Jon is the only brother than remains to me. Should I die without issue, I want him to succeed me as King in the North. I had hoped you would support my choice.” “I cannot,” she said. “In all else, Robb. In everything. But not in this . . . . this folly. Do not ask it.” “I don’t have to. I’m the king.” Robb turned and walked off, Grey Wind bounding down from the tomb after him. (Catelyn V, ASOS (emphasis added))

VI. Catelyn likely would've treated Jon worse if Ned wasn't so fiercely protective of Jon.

To Catelyn’s credit, she could’ve treated Jon far worse. We see this with Falia Flowers, who was forced to serve her trueborn siblings. And then, of course, there’s Cersei: 

"I glimpsed him once at Winterfell," the queen said, "though the Starks did their best to hide him. He looks very like his father." Her husband's by-blows had his look as well, though at least Robert had the grace to keep them out of sight. Once, after that sorry business with the cat, he had made some noises about bringing some baseborn daughter of his to court. "Do as you please," she'd told him, "but you may find that the city is not a healthy place for a growing girl." The bruise those words had won her had been hard to hide from Jaime, but they heard no more about the bastard girl. Catelyn Tully was a mouse, or she would have smothered this Jon Snow in his cradle. Instead, she's left the filthy task to me. "Snow shares Lord Eddard's taste for treason too," she said. "The father would have handed the realm to Stannis. The son has given him lands and castles." (Cersei IV, AFFC (emphasis added))

While I know Cat would never physically harm Jon, it’s interesting to consider how much of Catelyn’s restraint was due to Ned’s protectiveness of Jon, as opposed to her own scruples. After all, the text mentions multiple times how defensive Ned was of Jon:

The look Ned gave her was anguished. "You know I cannot take him south. There will be no place for him at court. A boy with a bastard's name … you know what they will say of him. He will be shunned."  Catelyn armored her heart against the mute appeal in her husband's eyes. "They say your friend Robert has fathered a dozen bastards himself."  "And none of them has ever been seen at court!" Ned blazed. “The Lannister woman has seen to that. How can you be so damnably cruel, Catelyn? He is only a boy. He—"   His fury was on him. He might have said more, and worse, but Maester Luwin cut in. (Catelyn II, AGOT (emphasis added)) Still, she was struck again by how strangely men behaved when it came to their bastards. Ned had always been fiercely protective of Jon, and Ser Cortnay Penrose had given up his life for this Edric Storm, yet Roose Bolton's bastard had meant less to him than one of his dogs, to judge from the tone of the queer cold letter Edmure had gotten from him not three days past. (Catelyn VI, ACOK (emphasis added))

We also know Ned desired for Jon to have a close relationship with Ned’s children:

… but then somehow he was back at Winterfell again, in the godswood looking down upon his father. Lord Eddard seemed much younger this time. His hair was brown, with no hint of grey in it, his head bowed. "… let them grow up close as brothers, with only love between them," he prayed, "and let my lady wife find it in her heart to forgive …" (Bran III, ADWD (emphasis added))

But once that protection waned with Ned’s appointment as Hand and relocation to King’s Landing, Catelyn was able to convince Ned to allow Jon to take the black.

"He cannot stay here," Catelyn said, cutting him off. "He is your son, not mine. I will not have him." It was hard, she knew, but no less the truth. Ned would do the boy no kindness by leaving him here at Winterfell. (Catelyn II, AGOT)

Notably, while Catelyn was demanding Jon be evicted from Winterfell, it was actually Ned’s decision. This is evident from the fact he had denied her prior requests for Jon to leave Winterfell. Indeed, Ned even controlled where Cat’s own children went, insisting that Bran accompany him south over Cat’s strenuous objections.

So what made this request different? The answer is simple: Ned could insist that Jon remain at Winterfell, but without Ned’s protection, Catelyn would be free to make Jon’s life . . . difficult. Catelyn’s inner dialogue hints at this.

Ned would do the boy no kindness by leaving him here at Winterfell. (Catelyn II, AGOT)

Compare this to what Cersei told Robert about Mya Stone coming to court:

“[Y]ou may find that the city is not a healthy place for a growing girl."  (Cersei IV, AFFC)

This begs the question: If Ned had insisted Jon stay at Winterfell in Ned’s absence, would Cat’s treatment of Jon change without Ned to keep her in check? To what lengths would Cat go to “differentiate” Jon from his trueborn siblings? While I think Robb would be old enough to curb Cat’s worst impulses, and Cat would also have to account for Maester Luwin “tattling” on her via raven to Ned if she got too bad, I’ve no doubt that Cat would, at the very least, be emboldened in her mistreatment of Jon. 

VII. Catelyn's disdain for Jon likely hurt her in the end.

One of the first thoughts many people have after learning about R+L=J is: “Why didn’t Ned just tell Cat the truth?” It surely would’ve saved a lot of heartache. But I think Ned gave us his reasoning: 

Ned thought, If it came to that, the life of some child I did not know, against Robb and Sansa and Arya and Bran and Rickon, what would I do? Even more so, what would Catelyn do, if it were Jon's life, against the children of her body? He did not know. He prayed he never would. (Eddard XII, AGOT (emphasis added))

In other words, if Cat knew Jon was a secret Targaryen, and she thought her family might be in danger because, perhaps, someone in King’s Landing suspected the truth, she likely would have no qualms about sacrificing Jon in a heartbeat to prove her loyalty to the Baratheon regime. After all, she never made any promises to any dying siblings to protect Jon. 

Further, that Catelyn treated Jon so poorly likely played a role in Ned’s refusal to tell her the truth which, in the end, only hurt her because she died thinking Jon was the product of her husband’s infidelity, as opposed to Lyanna’s son. 

Another way her mistreatment of Jon hurt her was in Robb’s decision to marry Jeyne Westerling. While Ned’s honor no doubt played a role, there’s a good chance Robb also married Jeyne to prevent any potential child he had with her from growing up a bastard because he had seen the way Jon was treated, including by his own mother. And, of course, Robb’s marriage to Jeyne directly led to Robb and Catelyn’s own deaths. 

[ebenelephant]

@yummycookies233 Sorry that it has taken me several days to get back to you. Buckle up.

Okay so the basic premise is this: Sam and Dean got drunk and hooked up, probably when Sam was about twenty (yk how he says in canon that it's been two years since they've spoken even though he's on the 4th year of his course? yeah); both of them are disgusted at themselves and spiral in a variety of really unhealthy ways for several years, cutting of each other, their dad, and in Dean's case basically everyone who's ever known him; main action takes place close to present day, I'm thinking maybe in 2019 since that would be Dean's 40th, when John, now an old man who they both occasionally call, strolls in and says that he doesn't want to die with sons that hate each other, especially since he still doesn't know why, and especially especially since he's been playing messenger pigeon for the last 5 years and they both obviously want to know what's going on with the other. We're assuming that at some point in the background to all of this, John killed Azazel and restlessly retired – I'm ignoring every plotline after that because I simply don't want to consider them.

Dean will be the central character because all things considered, Sam has actually managed to pull his life together. Sure, there's that constant feeling of guilt gnawing away at him 24/7, but he's got a wife (Jess) a kid (not Jess's, product of said spiralling, much loved) and a job he's good at. Dean, by contrast, hit rock bottom at twenty-five and scraped his belly along the floor for the next decade. I think he decided to be a firefighter like he wanted to as a kid, partly because he genuinely wants to save people (and has a massive complex about it) and partly because it's an easy out. No one is surprised when a fireman dies on the job. He never stays at a place long, going through five firehouses in those first ten years and refusing to put down roots or make connections – you could hardly call him reserved, but after he leaves people tend to notice that they never actually knew anything meaningful about him. Captains are always sceptical to take him, but no one can deny that he's excellent at the job.

By the time he gets to the 118, he's sort of trying to turn himself around. His goal at AA isn't to cut out alcohol entirely; simply to cut back, so his liver stays mostly in tact and he doesn't get fired. He's been there a few months (and outlasted three captains) by the time Bobby Nash blows in and bets on himself lasting. And then he blows into a meeting, and completely by accident, they end up as friends when neither really wants one. Dean finds that he can't leave.

As I suggest in my tags, this is not a very healthy friendship. It's the one person in the world (other than a priest) with whom they can be honest; that honesty is ugly and angry and cruel. When Bobby tells Dean that he plans on killing himself once he's made his amends, Dean doesn't try to talk him out of it. What he does do is let him sleep on his couch on the nights he feels like reaching for the bottle, so he never gets the chance to repeat his worst mistake. Dean has had his bisexuality on lockdown since 2003 due to some unhealthy and misinformed views of himself and what happened, but he is later free to admit that if Bobby had been anything other than straight and mourning, he might have fallen a little bit in love. As it happens, they instead forge this deep, deep understanding of one another.

I would like to clarify that this isn't even that important to the story? The actual bulk of the story will be focussing on the familial reconciliation, the pain of missing loved ones, John's failures and successes as a father that led to this, and the decision that they would rather have each other in their lives, even if it's only over the phone because they don't trust themselves or each other with anything more. You know. Heavy stuff.

But I've been fleshing out the background relationships that shape the Winchester men: Sam and his little family, and the wounds he's scared he might reopen; John's profound loneliness after the realisation that he never stood a chance of being a civilian again; Dean's looming fear of letting anyone know his monsters, all the while seeing how opening up brought him the one good friend he's had since his teen years.

Other 911 relationship moments: relating to Buck's impulsivity (emotional regulation whomst?) and Eddie's anger and toxic masculinity; being genuinely really proud of Bobby when him and Athena get together; talking about parentification with Maddie; he really likes Hen but it terrified that his proximity to her nice, healthy family will destroy it completely; Chim doesn't really know what to do with him since it takes them like five years to have an honest conversation. Also, he would've known Tommy. I don't know what I'm going to do with that information, but it's kinda bouncing off the walls in my brain. Lowkey I also think that one of his past stations should be the 126 in Austin, because I would frankly love to see Judd's reaction to a new and improved Dean several years after they last knew each other. Maybe a spinoff?

Anyway, if you were wondering anything else/have any suggestions I'm all ears because this fic idea is consuming me just a little bit.

in my sam-and-dean-fuck-during-stanford-era-thus-ruining-their-relationship-and-causing-them-not-to-talk-for-almost-twenty-years-in-which-time-dean-becomes-a-firefighter au, dean and bobby nash are really good friends. just, fyi.

[i-hate-gravel]

i hate being home

[vigilskeep]

What got you into dragon age?

this is plainly embarrassing but i was craving some fresh hurt/comfort fic just to feel something and i didn’t care where it came from, so i remembered the cool art i kept seeing for dragon age and cracked open ao3 and ended up with some kind of condition. a couple months of wiki-haunting, tag-lurking derangement later, and after buying world of thedas vol 1, in my late night fuelled desperate measures i discovered to my astonishment that dao would actually run on the laptop i’d bought for uni. i had never played a video game before, except failing to use my brother’s xbox to successfully make a character walk in a straight line, so this was genuinely quite an alarming development to me. but i endeavoured to succeed nonetheless (by which i mean running around on easy difficulty with my corpsesque prototype surana) and the rest is history

i do not recommend this. none of the above behaviours. cannot express that enough.

[thebirdandhersong]

Lol

[worlds-worst-ships]

I only know three of these and I know this is gonna make a lot of people start crying in the comments "oH My gOd, yOu'Re sUcH a WiLlY hEaD fOr hAviNg a DifFeReNt OpiNiOn tO mE, i'M tElLiNg-" SHUT UP. I'm called worlds-worst-ships for a reason, you whiny noob.

Anyways, under the cut;

Anyway, Mark and Amber is basically my pet peeve. Everything always being your fault, when you don't talk to them for ten minutes your partner is already chatting up someone else at a party, and when you actually have a good reason for needing a bit more time to yourself, its never, ever good enough. Sure, Mark probably should've been more straight up, but I think that literally risking your life and almost dying to save the world every week is a pretty good reason for missing a few dates. I see people everywhere saying this situation ain't toxic, and thats because this sort of shit is NORMAL these days. Be perfect, never miss anything unless you're literally dead in a ditch, or you ain't shit. Even if you're dying of a heart attack, they'd better find your body crawling to go see your girl with a gift in your hand, cuz otherwise if she's anything like Amber, she will spit venom on your name in the eulogy, trust me.

Joker and Harley is straight up every girl in my local area. Joker has committed every crime known to man, many of which were committed on Harley, and she still can't get enough of him. I swear, girls like Harley don't use Tinder, they use Crimewatch, and even after years of the same shit they run crying to everyone else as if they're in any position to help them while guys like Joker are on the same crud until the day they die, its more than toxic, its downright hazardous. And before someone says "oH mY gOd, yOu'rE ViCtIm bLaMiNg, i'M GoiNG tO sPaM rEpOrT yOu fOr 15 HoUrS a DaY oN aLl Of yOuR sOciAlS bEcAuSe I CaN't FiNd tHe X BuTtOn oN mY BrOwSeR LiKe A NoRmAl pErSon", know that I have always said Harley's story makes zero sense. She was living a normal enough life, no glaringly obvious points in her life that would've whittled away her self worth to the point where a loony like Joker could get to her like that, so her falling in love with him isn't a product of some mental health issue, she's literally just a dumbass.

At least with Light and Misa, Light doesn't do consistently heinous shit to her. He at least provides for her to some extent, tries to keep her happy (albeit for his own ends, but still), he's never hospitalised her, cheated on her, (I wouldn't count that thing with that woman in the hotel room, as far as I can remember, no juices were exchanged, he just strung her along for the case), and overall, Misa's situation is actually at least somewhat bearable compared to the others. I've been in the Mark/Amber situation and would rather die than live like Joker and Harley, so yeah, Light and Misa take it for me.

Toxic heterosexuality

I'm not sure what we're voting for honestly, interpret it how you want. (And explain your choice in the notes for fun!)

btw I only know 3 of these ships so don't yell at me too much if one isn't toxic

[girlivealwaysbean]

i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point